Chuck Norris and Voldemort Jokes
by FallenHero93
Summary: Just a random idea that came in my mind. Made of 2 parts: "Chuck Norris in the wizarding world" and "Lord Voldemort-Master of Magical Roundhouse Kicks" - it contains both Chuck and Voldy jokes, a mixture of C.N. and magic! *CHAPTER 2 Now Available*
1. Chapter 1

_CHUCK NORRIS IN THE WIZARDING WORLD_

Chuck Norris once defeated Voldemort at duel with Ron's broken wand.

When Hermione doesn't know the answer, she asks Chuck Norris.

The Death Eaters escaped Azkaban because they found out Chuck Norris would soon be imprisoned there.

Chuck Norris won the Triwizard Tournament by simply roundhouse kicking all the obstacles.

Once Filch caught Chuck Norris sneaking out of his bedroom at night…Filch was lucky to leave with a warning.

If you curse Chuck Norris, your wand will bleed.

When Chuck Norris looks at the Basilisk, the Basilisk turns to stone.

Chuck Norris cheated on his History of Magic test…with a calculator!

Some expert wizards can walk on air…Chuck Norris can fly through land!

Chuck Norris and Voldemort once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to have his nose cut.

Azkaban doesn't keep wizard society safe from criminals. It keeps criminals safe from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris graduated from Hogwarts at the age of 18. Seconds.

Chuck Norris writes with the parchment on a feather.

Chuck Norris is the reason Sirius is hiding.

When Voldemort goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once got bitten by Nagini. After three days of pain and agony, Nagini died.

Chuck Norris can tell if a dark magic detector does dark magic.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop Harry's parents' assassination. As Voldemort cast his spell, Chuck Norris deflected the spell with his beard. Harry's parents died out of sheer amazement.

Beauxbatons was once next to Hogwarts until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way to France.

After much debate, J.K. Rowling decided to allow Bellatrix to torture Hermione rather than the alternative of having Chuck Norris do it. It was more "humane".

_LORD VOLDEMORT, MASTER OF MAGICAL ROUNDHOUSE KICKS_

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called chlaustrophobia, fear of Lord Voldemort is called logic.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Voldemort stories.

There used to be a street named after Lord Voldemort, but it was changed because nobody crosses Lord Voldemort and lives.

Some people say that the most devastating weapon known to Muggles was the atomic bomb. Somewhere, Lord Voldemort is still laughing…

Death once had a near-Voldemort experience.

There is no such thing as Voldemort opposers…just people with short lifes.

Voldemort does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Voldemort goes killing.

The chief export of Lord Voldemort is death.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Voldemort out. It failed miserably.

Lord Voldemort sleeps with a night light. Not because Lord Voldemort is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Lord Voldemort.

If you want a list of the Dark Lord's enemies, just check the extinct wizarding families list.

Voldemort invented a language that incorporates dark magic and powerful curses. So the next time Voldemort's torturing you to death, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

The Dark Lord got a perfect score on his OWLS simply by writing „Voldemort" for every answer. Why? Because Voldemort is never wrong!


	2. Chapter 2

Lord Voldemort puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Lord Voldemort once won the American Idol contest by reading the back of a cereal box. Oh, he also used dark magic a little.

Voldemort doesn't give Christmas presents to people. If they live to see Christmas, that is their Christmas present from Voldy.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Lord Voldemort's Avada Kedavra.

Voldemort doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The Dark Lord can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants. (Ah, well, except for that Harry Potter boy!)

When Voldemort sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself next to the Death Eaters with his wand in attack position. Voldemort has not had to pay taxes ever.

The Dark Lord died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Lord Voldemort does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning that the spot belongs to the Dark Lord and that you will be handicapped if you park there. In the best case.

Voldy doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Lord Voldemort.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Voldemort.

The Dark Lord's only mistake was when he thought he made a mistake.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Lord Voldemort.

They once tried to charge Voldemort with attempted murder, but the judge quickly dropped the charges because Voldemort doesn't "attempt" murder.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Lord Voldemort is.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Voldemort. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The average wizard can throw a stone 2 metres in the air. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named can throw the average wizard even further.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Voldemort.


	3. Chapter 3: The Awesomeness Ends Here

Hailey's comet doesn't exist. It is just the waiter who didn't get Voldemort his Butterbeer quick enough.

When Voldemort exits a room he doesn't turn the lights off, he turns the dark on.

If you rearrange the letters in "LORD VOLDEMORT" you get "TORTURED TO DEATH". No, it's not an anagram it's a warning.

How many Dark Lords does it take to screw a lightbulb? None. Because the simple notion of Lord Voldemort made the lightbulb screw itself.

Voldemort doesn't mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.

Google won't search for the Dark Lord, because it knows you won't find the Dark Lord. He finds you.

Voldy invented black, and every other color in the spectrum, except for pink; that Harry Potter boy invented pink.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named lives in England.

Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Voldemort touches turns up dead.

When Voldemort jumps in the pool, he doesn't get wet; the water gets Voldemort-ed.

James Cameron wanted Lord Voldemort to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Voldemort's computer. Voldemort is always in control.

The most prolific murderer in history claims to killed more than 400 people in her lifetime. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named calls this "a slow Tuesday".

The Dark Lord does not eat food. Food understands that the only safe haven from the Dark Lord's wand is inside his own body.


End file.
